People say that when you get older, you need to keep a diary. Because memory fails, or perhaps it’s an avenue to escape to your youth to feel what you felt. I guess when you’re old (and probably grumpy) you probably can’t do many exciting things that you can do when you’re decades younger. And shit gets more real. Health problems, bills, early retirement/ retrenchment versus paying bills for shopping too much, thinking of which job to switch to…
Turning 30 in less than 1.5 months is scary. The end of an era, the start of a new decade. During my late twenties I have started to wonder about the meaning of life, I probably had when I was younger before I joined the “I love fluffy clouds” phase where I tried to minimise the confusing thinking.
I conclude that for now – life to me is to find the meaning of life. To experience life. It’s an experience. I’ve come to understand that to gain perspective, you need time and to go through certain events. It’s true that you learn from every experience. It’s also true that you shouldn’t make the same mistake twice.
I think I found my calling – in terms of religion that is. I’ve grown up in a Buddhist family and I’ve a lot of respect for the religion / way of life. But I’ve slowly gravitated towards Christianity. Because I do feel that sometimes I speak to god, or maybe an inner voice. When they say that god has plans for you, I actually believe that. Though sometimes, it sounds like what they call “fate”. However, I do believe the purest form of it though – or maybe purest in my mind, without all the other extras / preaching / terms & conditions that christians label Christianity as. I do know though, that I’ve lots to understand and learn.
About life, I have so much to write.
Sometimes the world goes doom and gloom, a sudden engulf of despair but it usually gets blown away by a mere distraction. I sometimes think that I probably had a good life before I grew up and that’s why a little sadness feels like doom and gloom.
About love, it is a never ending piece as well. I could write so many stories, and in my head I’ve recounted so many things that I could pen down. But would I? Does it come with repercussions? What do I want to achieve from this ? You see, being an adult makes you logical – slowly you lose your creative flair, that’s if, if you care too much.
about love, it requires work and effort. Why is it not always fine & dandy? You win some battles and you lose some. About love, everlasting love… Seriously, it all depends if you and your partner fight for it and if you sign a peace treaty to end all wars. That being said, sometimes you lose a part of yourself through compromise, and truthfully there’s a limit.
About being a parent – I couldn’t bring myself to write the word ‘mother’ because it sounds too old and it comes with so much ‘deep’ responsibilities. Though there is nothing you want more than to see your child grow up happily and healthily – with you being there of course. While there are some things that only the riches can bring, there are others like ‘presence’ that I probably can improve on. Though I should hope to be rich as well. Tick tock the time is ticking.
So here are my thoughts on life, though an incomplete entry. I can go on and on about life’s purpose in terms of career – but I should write that piece another day. I guess ranting really helps you on a relatively bad day.
It’s tough though, when you’re being put in a mould, and blamed for not performing to ‘expectations’. And if you’re doing 3 out of 5 things though the accuser is doing probably a 2. It seems like our brains are wired differently and it’s affecting mine.
Alright, for now ranting ends. 🙉